My "Ross" from FRIENDS tanning incident.

I've determined that sometimes I am just unlucky.

I think the universe has a way of balancing itself out. If things are going well for you and the sun is shining and the birds are singing then SOMETHING MUST HAPPEN. Balance. It's okay. I get it.

So here's the story....

I've been making my husband kinda crabby lately because I've neglected to cancel a membership that has been drawing a fee from our bank account. It's not a huge fee....just $5 a month. It was a "stay and save" package price for putting an old tanning membership on "hold".  My recent skin issues mean that I CANNOT see sun (or the artificial kind) ever again. EVER. It's my kryptonite. Knowing this, my husband has nagged me for TWO YEARS to cancel it.

Uggghhh.

Anyhow, the peeps at someplace that sounds like Calm Peach Tan hooked me up by converting those dollars to a sunless tanning package. Perfect. Right?

That's what I thought. LUCKY ME!! Boom Boom.....$120 bucks baby to spend on looking tan.

*tisk *tisk *tisk

I should have known better. I work in a salon that provides airbrush spray tanning. I've seen what the walk-in booths can do, and I've convinced TONS of people not to use booth sunless tanning.

So....the super stunning brunette girl with butterfly eyelashes (not kidding, butterfly eyelashes) takes me to the tanning room and walks me through the routine. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I'm a professional. Besides, I couldn't listen to her. She blinked a lot. I mean, A LOT. It looked like butterflies were dancing before me right on her face. Odd.

Anyhow, I thanked her as she left and began the routine. Undress. Hair Net. Barrier Creme. More barrier creme. I'm so good at sunless tanning. I pretty much apply a perfect application of barrier creme every time. I could teach this stuff.  No orange hands and feet for this girl.

Step in the machine. Left foot in position #1. Right foot in position #3. Check. Check.

And...................GO!

And...................shit. Something's wrong.

The mother f-ing machine decided to lock up and spray continually on my stomach. It's a jet stream of a sticky stinky orange potion blasting at me.

Against my better judgement, I just stand there.    ----Staring at it.       ----Thinking it will stop.

A new method? It's going to move right?

No. It's not.

And..............I panic. Pure total Panic.

I'm locked in this tiny tiny room and I can't breathe. No really, I can't breathe. I'm being pummeled with icy cold ick and the room is quickly filling up with over spray. AND........THE.DOOR.WONT.OPEN.

It's stuck.

I pretty much just stand there flapping my hands up and down and shrieking like a little girl. My legs are streaming with streaks of the liquid and I'm now standing in a puddle of oopa loompa orange.

Finally, I breathe. IN/OUT....and get the door to open. It wasn't stuck. I was just pulling not pushing. *Palm smack to the head. I hop out and slam the door on the disaster that's happening in the booth and immediately start wiping my body down with the towel provided and about an entire pack of baby wipes. For those of you who don't know, baby wipes are genius. They freaking clean anything.

I think I'm pretty cleaned up, so I put the towel around me and pop my head out the door and yell (politely, i think) for the butterfly lash girl to come get me. She won't come. I'm immediately reminded that Effie from "The Hunger Games" had butterfly lashes.

This is it. I'm in  the Suburbia Hell Hunger Games. Every woman's nightmare.

They're trying to break me. I know it.

I yell again for her. I AM NOT putting my clothes back on, damn it. I wore THREE layers!

I ask for her again (umm...maybe not so politely) and this time she comes running.

She's apologizing excessively, and once again, I cannot listen. Can she see? Doesn't that bother her? It's like I'm in a trance, and before I know it I'm agreeing to try a different machine. How did she do that? I had quit I'm telling you. Quit. I was going to lay down a few choice words and leave that place in the dust. I had also already planned a scathing Google review. I was going to show them I tell ya.

Yes, I'll upgrade to the Vanilla scented tan. Thank you.

What??!!! This girl needs a raise. I hear that those butterfly lashes come in multiple colors. She'll need to order more. They're magic.

So....I'm sure you all want a pic. Well, my expert clean up skills took care of most of the mess on my body. But...here's a delightful picture of my feet. See the run marks? Yep...they go up my leg.  Grrrr.....

I might need to change my screen name from SyFyMOM to SyFyEXPERIMENT. I sure look like one. *wimper *sadface